Larry David on 'Brokeback Mountain'

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?oref=login

courtesy of The New York Times - 1/1/2006

Cowboys Are My Weakness
By LARRY DAVID
Published: January 1, 2006

SOMEBODY had to write this, and it might as well be me. I haven't seen "Brokeback Mountain," nor do I have any intention of seeing it. In fact, cowboys would have to lasso me, drag me into the theater and tie me to the seat, and even then I would make every effort to close my eyes and cover my ears.

And I love gay people. Hey, I've got gay acquaintances. Good acquaintances, who know they can call me anytime if they had my phone number. I'm for gay marriage, gay divorce, gay this and gay that. I just don't want to watch two straight men, alone on the prairie, fall in love and kiss and hug and hold hands and whatnot. That's all.

Is that so terrible? Does that mean I'm homophobic? And if I am, well, then that's too bad. Because you can call me any name you want, but I'm still not going to that movie.

To my surprise, I have some straight friends who've not only seen the movie but liked it. "One of the best love stories ever," one gushed. Another went on, "Oh, my God, you completely forget that it's two men. You in particular will love it."

"Why me?"

"You just will, trust me."

But I don't trust him. If two cowboys, male icons who are 100 percent all-man, can succumb, what chance to do I have, half- to a quarter of a man, depending on whom I'm with at the time? I'm a very susceptible person, easily influenced, a natural-born follower with no sales-resistance. When I walk into a store, clerks wrestle one another trying to get to me first. My wife won't let me watch infomercials because of all the junk I've ordered that's now piled up in the garage. My medicine cabinet is filled with vitamins and bald cures.

So who's to say I won't become enamored with the whole gay business? Let's face it, there is some appeal there. I know I've always gotten along great with men. I never once paced in my room rehearsing what to say before asking a guy if he wanted to go to the movies. And I generally don't pay for men, which of course is their most appealing attribute.

And gay guys always seem like they're having a great time. At the Christmas party I went to, they were the only ones who sang. Boy that looked like fun. I would love to sing, but this weighty, self-conscious heterosexuality I'm saddled with won't permit it.

I just know if I saw that movie, the voice inside my head that delights in torturing me would have a field day. "You like those cowboys, don't you? They're kind of cute. Go ahead, admit it, they're cute. You can't fool me, gay man. Go ahead, stop fighting it. You're gay! You're gay!"
Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Larry David appears in the HBO series "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Meet my Dad

First things first - http://gorillamask.net/caulk.shtml

Another humorous SNL skit.

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So, this new roommate of mine looks exactly like my father, which I stated earlier. It is scarey. It is abnormal. It is just plan wrong. Anyway, they guy is a complete tool (like my father, but my father was more of an asshole). So, this guy does have his own fashion style, however. He loves the sweater. If the sweater was a girl (or a guy, I'm not sure how he rolls yet), he'd marry it on the spot. Bri-man pointed out to me that he also sleeps in a sweater. How odd is that? I like jeans, however, I rarely sleep in jeans (when I am drunk and pass out, yet, otherwise no). So, this guy loves the sweater and I have never seen him in anything BUT a sweater. And they are rink-a-dink sweaters. I think I could personally knit a better one than the one he is wearing today (please note: I have not seen him today, but my money is on him wearing a sweater from the 1920's....in Somalia). I would expect him to wear your classic pair of Reebok shoes, but he pulled a fast one and has a pair of Puma's. His only up-to-date piece of clothing.

So, my Dad went to play hockey in a 'low-key area in the North End' last night. That is all he said about the location, and Bri-man seems to think that he wants to keep this a secret. Not sure why, but it seems like that. I don't think Bri-man will go to this rink and play hockey, nor do I think he will tell anyone, but this is Dad's secret from us. Anyway, wait until you hear the stories that he mentioned the other night:

1) He was fined $50 for honking his horn
My take: he wants us to think he is tough, for whatever reason, and has a problem with authority. Not sure why he would say this, but I have never heard anyone getting a $50 fine for honking their horn. Maybe if he were to run over the person he was honking the horn at he would get a fine, but not for honking a horn....unless you're tough

2) He was accused of throwing crates at kids at the hockey rink.
My take: Ok, Tie Domi, settle down. According to him, 'he didn't do it' and he then had to talk to the children's parents. But why even tell us this? I now think he is a semi-pedi... you know what I'm getting at ...a tough one, though.

3) He is 6'2", no today he is 6'3"....eh, why not 6'4".
My take: Dad changes his height more than the weather forecast in Boston. He literally changed his height by 2 inches from the day he moved in to yesterday. The guy is NOT 6'4", and why he would say that is mind-boggling. He is 6'2", max, BUT... a tough 6'2".

4) He personally saw a guy get his leg amputated after being struck by a Boston T.
My take: First of all, I don't buy this. Secondly, who in their right mind would watch this? Thirdly, who the heck would tell people about this, especially after lying about a $50 honking violation, growing 2 inches in a matter of days, and being accused of terrorizing little kids?

My father is odd, and I cannot wait until his next storytelling time. (Please note that I am not the one being told these horrific stories. Bri-man is forced to listen - he gets trapped - when he is making dinner or watching TV, and he then relays these to me).

Enjoy this round, but I have to go now because I think I am getting a ticket for parking to closely next to a cop car. Yeah, I'm tough.